How are we meant to feel?
My eldest cub is sixteen years old. I left home at this age.
So why do we find it so hard to let go?
He is a good kid, albeit a typical teen at times. We have had our fair share of clashes, and there have been days where he has stormed out slamming the door behind him, equally I have done the same. Its part of them growing up, its part of the plan.
Someone once told me that they are not ours to keep, they are simply lent to us, and its our job to help them to grow then watch them fly. I love this, in theory I love this, but in reality I miss his presence.
He is the one who made me a mum, he taught me how to feed, how to teach, how to put someone else before me, and he taught me how to love. Unknowingly of course, but that is part of the responsibility of being the first born.
Today on my time hop a picture came up of him aged 2, with a toilet seat stuck on his head. We had to call the fire brigade to come and cut it off him. It was one of those moments that you carry with you your whole life, and when he is stood in the kitchen arguing with me about having a tattoo, buying a motorbike, and buying beer that blinds me from seeing the young man in front of me. All I see is that young child, the one who needed to be soothed if the hand drier came on in the toilets, the one who was terrified of sleeping in the dark, the one who couldn’t eat broccoli because his favourite colour was green. Maybe its a mum thing, maybe we never see them as an adult.
I find it harder on days out. Today we went out, (obviously he was out with his friends, on the motorbike I swore he would never have) but we took the younger boys to the zoo. It was a lovely day and as a keen photographer I took some pictures. Of course he isn’t in any of them. I scroll through my shots and its been a while since his face was in them, but I can’t force him to be. I guess that is part of it. They grow up, they make choices, they become their own spirit.
So, in a way I guess we have done our job.
He has the confidence to fly, he may fall, and we will catch him and help him back on his way.
That is what it is, isn’t it? Making sure they can get through life safely, but realising that indeed it is their story to write. Help them turn the pages and start the chapters, but let them dictate the paragraphs.
So please don’t think that because he isn’t in my photographs right now, that he has disappeared, he has indeed just grown up, like I said, they aren’t ours to keep forever…………
(I would have loved to have put a lovely big picture up of his gorgeous face but he will kill me, so I wont)
Lots of Love as always x x